[ where it begins ]

[fanofthegenre]

She needs to change. She keeps a spare set of clothes at the 12th - but they're meant for the shifts where she pulls an all-nighter and doesn't have time to go home.

They're not for this, for the red that stains the white of her sweater - someone else's (I'm fine, Castle, it's not my blood). She was just supposed to have a conversation. She'd hoped it was one that would bring her a little closer to the truth.

Instead, she's got one more murder on her hands, and more questions than answers.

She's not expecting the door to the Bar when she walks in, but a part of her is almost relieved. She needs a place to decompress, to think about her options and to consider her next move before she heads back out into her world, into the place where all of it becomes real again and everyone's counting on her to step up, relying on her to tell them where to go from here.

Because, right now, Beckett's not even sure she knows what to do.

Comments

[fanofthegenre]

"Right."

She looks away from the closet doors.

"I know. And I don't want to risk any more lives than I absolutely have to."

Especially yours.

[trigger_man]

"Shouldn't that be my decision?"

[fanofthegenre]

"Jack - "

Beckett lifts her gaze to his face, then turns, a curtain of dark hair falling forward over one shoulder.

"Don't."

[trigger_man]

Jack clenches his teeth together for a moment, trying to hold in his frustration. He knows this isn't easy for her, he knows that. He's not purposely trying to make it harder. But the thought of staying in here and waiting for her to come back in to tell him what's going on, the thought of doing nothing makes him feel as though the walls are closing in.

"Beckett..." He sighs, staring at a spot on the wall over her shoulder. "This was why when I came in here I didn't want to get close to anyone; because I didn't want to...care about someone and have something happen to them, especially when I couldn't do anything to stop it. I don't want anything to happen to you."

[fanofthegenre]

"Well, forgive me for throwing a wrench into your plans," she says, with a little more bite than she originally intends, though the emotion in her eyes doesn't quite match up with her tone when she turns to him.

"I get it, okay? I've been there. I know how it feels to lose someone you care about, someone you lo - "

Something in her voice breaks and she pauses, reeling, trying to regain control of a situation that's spun out of her grasp long before this conversation even started tonight.

"I didn't expect anything like this to happen when I met you."

[trigger_man]

"Neither did I," he says, running a hand through his hair and squeezing the back of his neck. It was the very type of situation he'd been trying to avoid; don't get close to people, so he couldn't get hurt and so they wouldn't get hurt because of their proximity to him.

For the moment he's at least going to pretend he didn't hear what she almost said, especially because he can't even allow himself to wonder if he could make the same slip.

He reaches out tentatively, putting a hand on her arm. "The thought of going out there with you and getting shot doesn't scare me. The only thing that scares me--scares the hell out of me--is of something happening to...to another one of my friends, and that includes you."

[fanofthegenre]

She's grateful, in fact, that he doesn't address the slip. Not because she realizes she's even made it, but because it's not at the forefront of her mind right now, not as important as what she's got to deal with.

"What am I supposed to do, Jack?" she murmurs, her voice still soft.

"How do you expect me to explain you? To let you get involved? I can't ask you to take on that burden."

[trigger_man]

"I was undercover with a South American drug cartel for six months. I managed to stay hidden and let everyone thing I was dead for eighteen months. I think I can maintain a cover for as long as it takes to catch these guys," Jack says, reassuringly. "And you're not asking; I'm offering."

[fanofthegenre]

She sighs, looking out again over the photos on the homemade board.

"I'm like her sometimes, I think," she says, her gaze lingering on the one of her mother. "She always hated asking for help too."

[trigger_man]

"I think from hearing about her, I can guess that a lot of your good qualities are something you share with her," Jack says, gently.

"It won't surprise you to hear that I do too, but sometimes I know when I have to. And I'm sure you have help, out there. I just want to be one of those people."

[fanofthegenre]

"I'm not going to lie to you and say that I wouldn't appreciate your help," she finally says, turning to him.

"But it's just not a good idea, this time."

[trigger_man]

He's tempted to argue again, to send the conversation spiraling in the same circles as before, but it's pretty obvious he'll just end up back at the same point. Stuck at the same impasse: he wants to help and she doesn't want him out there, or at least doesn't want his help badly enough to override her concerns.

"Fine," he says flatly, unconsciously taking one small step back. "Will you at laast keep me up to date on what's happening with the case?"

[fanofthegenre]

"Of course," she replies, without even missing a beat, but doesn't move in to maintain the same kind of proximity.

"You know I'd keep you in the loop on whatever's going on."

[trigger_man]

"And be careful out there. The closer you get to this guy, the more dangerous it's going to be," he says, his tone gruff.

[fanofthegenre]

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" she mutters, pinching her lips together in a thin line.

"I'll check in, as often as I can."

[trigger_man]

Jack gives a sharp nod. "Okay."

[fanofthegenre]

She wants to say I'm sorry, wants to be able to find the words she knows will make things up to him.

But all that comes out in response is, "Okay."

[trigger_man]

He gives her another jerky nod. "Are you staying in here for a little while, or are you heading back out after you change?"

[fanofthegenre]

A few beats of time pass; she looks over at the coffee he'd ordered her, watching it grow cold.

"I have to go back," she says decisively.

[trigger_man]

"Okay. I'd better go, so you can change and get back out there," he says, taking another step back.

There's a small part of him that would rather step closer, wrap her in a hug, but he's not entirely sure he'd be able to let go.

[fanofthegenre]

She nods silently, her mind already working ahead of her, trying to concentrate on everything she has to face.

And then she turns to him.

"Jack."

Even if he doesn't, she can't let him go without leaning in to embrace him quickly, hiding the worry in her own expression against his shoulder, the flicker of fear.

Just in case.

[trigger_man]

He tenses for a second as her arms wrap around him, before he relaxes and hugs her tightly.

Just in case.

For a moment he can't say anything; there's too much he wants to say, and there's a growing lump in his throat. Finally he rasps out, "Be careful."

[fanofthegenre]

"I will."

Her voice is muffled, and she draws in a breath to keep her expression steady before she finally pulls back, forcing a quick smile.